- (Carter) How about Monday morning? - I have a thing with someone from CIA.
Johnson someone or other. It's about that whole Kinsey thing.
- So, any big plans for the weekend? - Oh, yeah. Big. Huge!
- Me neither. - What are you talking about?
I just walked in with a whole handful of ingredients for my famous omelette.
Famous, huh? What's in it?
- Eggs. - I don't think that qualifies as a recipe.
Don't kid yourself. There's a secret ingredient.
I can't tell you what it is or I'd have to shoot you.
It's beer, isn't it?
- Carter... - (door opens)
- Let me call you back. - I knew it.
Hello.
- You're Jack O'Neill. - Yes.
Here's a better question: Who are you?
It doesn't matter. To anyone.
All you need to know is... (voice quivering) you ruined my life.
We should have gotten here earlier.
Honey, it's 7:00am!
Joe, start over there. See if you can find a lamp that would work in the TV room.
Oh, my Lord, look! They have those old English tea tins.
- (PA) Security breached. - They got corridor C-9 open.
Let's go.
(Stargate alarm)
Excuse me.
How much?
(Joe) So, there's this fella who walks into a bar and sees an ape sitting there.
Sorry, no. He sees a gorilla.
That's it. Right. There's this gorilla sitting there drinking a Coke.
So, he says to the bartender,
"Hey, what's with that gorilla drinking that drink?"
Well, the bartender says, "Yeah, that ape usually orders a Coke."
I mean, a beer. "...usually orders a beer."
Boss, is it an ape or a gorilla? They're different species.
It doesn't matter. The point is...
The point is, Joe, it's a good thing you can cut hair.
(Joe) Very good.
- Are we about done here? - All set.
Cos someone, somewhere out there, needs themselves a new car,
whether they know it or not - you know what I mean?
I feel the power to sell moving through me today.
- Boys, it's been a slice. - (Joe) Thanks, Fred.
See you, Fred.
(Apophis, distorted) Bow down now,
and show your reverence for my son.
The mighty warrior Klorel.
Kel, Apophis.
(Joe's wife) We are reading the best book in book club this week.
It's called The Heart of a Woman. It is such a powerful story.
- Every time I think about it... - Wanna hear a story?
Sure, dear. What happened to you today at the shop?
- No, it's not work-related. I have a story. - What do you mean?
You know, like in those books you read, only different.
OK, sure.
It's about a team of adventurers known as SG-1.
They travel to other planets, through an alien device known as a Stargate.
Their leader is the fearless Colonel Jack...
O'Neill, prepare yourself for...
extreme deceleration.
Yeah. Thanks, Teal'c.
(Klorel, distorted) You will get to see your home one last time...
before you and everyone on your planet are destroyed...
and your kind will disturb the Goa'uld no more.
- So who are the Goa'uld again? - The bad guys.
And this Skaara character?
Yeah. I thought you said his name was Klorel.
I know it's a little complicated. Just wait. I haven't gotten to the good part yet.
(O'Neill) Skaara!
Oh, Skaara... I'm sorry.
That's it?
I think so. For now, anyways.
What happens to Earth?
I don't know. I mean, I haven't figured that part out yet.
You gotta finish it. You can't just end a story in the middle.
I tell you what. You get all your chores done, and I'll finish the story tomorrow.
Chores?! What are we? Amish?
- Andy! - Go... go do your homework.
He's gotten so precocious.
You hated it, didn't ya?
Well, I'm not the biggest science-fiction fan.
But no, no, it was...
It was just so detailed. How did you come up with it?
Honestly, I don't know. It just sort of popped into my head.
That's amazing, really.
- What didn't you like about it? - Don't get me wrong. It was exciting.
It's just that I like stories that are more about interpersonal relations
and a little less to do with things blowing up.
A giant fireball in the night sky!
- You say these folks are a military unit? - They're part of the US Air Force.
But they travel to other planets.
- Through the Stargate. - Which is a time-travel machine.
It's an alien device that creates a stable wormhole,
allowing instantaneous travel to other worlds.
- Time has nothing to do with it. - Boss, a question.
- These Gool... - Goa'uld.
- Goa'ol. - Goa'uld.
Never mind. The bad guys.
- They got snakes in their heads? - Symbiotes.
And the fellas with ones in their bellies?
The Jaffa. They incubate the symbiotes until they're ready for implantation.
Now you see, Joe, that's confusing.
He's right. Why can't there be just one kind of bad guy?
Snake goes in the head, makes 'em evil, the end.
- Call 'em the Snake People. - Yeah.
They're not called the Snake People. They're called the Goa'uld.
And the Jaffa are enslaved warriors who mistakenly believe the Goa'uld are gods.
And it's not confusing, it's complex!
Uh... edge of my seat, the whole time.
(man) United States Air Force. How may I direct your call?
Hi. I'm trying to reach one of your officers,
a Colonel Jack O'Neill - two L's.
May I have your name and the nature of your call?
- My name? - Yes, please.
Uh...
Right. Right, of course.
My name is Joe... Smith.
Listen, I realise Colonel O'Neill is probably unavailable,
off on some important mission, but... I know this is an odd request.
I mean, I don't know if you know Colonel O'Neill personally, but...
could you describe him to me?
You know - height, weight, shoe size, sense of humour, that sort of thing.
I really can't do that, sir.
Oh, of course. Sure. National security.
Now, am I understanding correctly
that there really is a Colonel Jack O'Neill in the air force?
Is there a message you'd like to leave for him?
That's fine. Thank you.
So, in the end, Rya'c was freed from Apophis's control.
Teal'c, Drey'auc and Rya'c were once again a family.
But Teal'c is still going back to Stargate Command
- to fight for the freedom of the Jaffa? - Yes, of course.
He'll take Drey'auc and Rya'c to a place where they'll be safe.
So the Goa'uld won't put any more bombs in Rya'c's teeth?
That's right. Now, go to sleep.
Cool story, Dad.
Joe, where do you get these ideas you've had lately?
- I don't know. - Fully formed ideas, plots, characters.
- They just appear in your head? - Basically.
Why are you looking at me like that?
I think you've gotten in touch with your dormant creativity,
accessed your wellspring of imagination.
- What? - I've read about this happening.
You're opening yourself up to your inner muse.
My inner muse?
- It's your midlife crisis. - It is?
Except, instead of chasing your youth by buying a sports car or going hang-gliding,
you're seeking immortality through creativity.
- We can't afford a sports car. - It's a good thing.
Especially if it means you're not gonna have an affair with a younger woman.
Wait a sec. You said Teal'c put his face up to that head-grabber thing before O'Neill.
- Why didn't he get grabbed first? - Guys, I told you.
Save your questions until I finish.
Now, what was left of Colonel O'Neill's mind
managed to dial a gate address.
One they had never dialled before.
Arrrgh!
The Asgard? Those little grey guys. Right.
Shut up and let him finish, Bert.
And...
I don't want to sound ungrateful,
because I really, really appreciate you getting all that stuff out of my head.
But you folks should understand...
that we're out there now.
We might not be ready for a lot of this stuff,
but we're doing the best we can.
You have already taken the first steps towards becoming the fifth race.
And the Furlings? Are we gonna hear about them?
Of course. I'm sure we'll... we'll hear lots of stories about them.
I mean, I'll make one up.
Furlings. They sound cute.
Like Ewoks.
Andy, finish up, or you're gonna miss your bus.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
I want that lawn done today, mister. It looks like a wheat field's growing.
After school, Mom. I promise.
Son, you get that lawn finished, and I'll tell you all about the Reetou.
Cool!
See you, Mom. See you, Dad.
- The Reetou? - Foothold situation at the SGC.
Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you should cut back on the storytelling.
- Why? - Nothing, it's just...
Well, I've heard a few comments from people in town.
What people?
Not everyone wants to hear about SG-1 every time they come in for a haircut.
They like hearing my stories!
Maybe they're just being polite, dear. And it's not just at the shop.
Sam at the drugstore said you talk his ear off. And Marjory at the bank.
- And Lenny at the gas station. - Sharlene, you said to follow my muse.
- Now you want me to stop? - What if you write them down?
You mean, like a... writer?
Put them on paper. You can have them in the shop, like the magazines.
That way, if people want to read them, they can.
- Sir, the timing has to be exact. - It's gonna have to be close enough. Go!
(gunshots)
(typing) "Young Lieutenant Hammond...
"faced a tough decision.
"Yet the strange foursome hardly seemed like Soviet spies."
Honey, it's three in the morning. Come to bed.
Just let me finish this story.
That's what you said last night. You've got to get up in four hours.
How are you gonna cut people's hair if you're dead on your feet all day?
Joe?
In a minute.
(Joe) "They embraced, and he looked into her eyes one last time.
"He walked away with sadness in his heart.
"And she watched him go, wondering if she would ever see him again. The end."
(woman) That poor woman.
Do you think... she was with child?
You'll just have to wait until the sequel.
- You've gotta be kidding me! - What? I got something in my eye.
You're such a softy. See you tonight, honey.
- Bye. - Bye, Cindy.
- Morning. - (Joe) Calvin.
Joe, looks like you got some letters from those magazines in New York.
"Thank you for your submission.
"Unfortunately... blah, blah, blah."
"Thank you for your interest. Best of luck."
You shouldn't have sent in this one about Seth. It wasn't one of your best.
They rejected "Hathor"? But it was gold!
- Dad! - I'm writing.
Seriously, you've got to see this.
(TV) Prepare for an x-treme adventure.
- What? - Check it out.
Four x-cellent heroes in an x-traordinary new sci-fi series.
Starring Nick Marlowe as the wry Colonel Danning.
As a matter of fact, it does say Colonel on my uniform.
There's no such thing as original thought any more.
We're all just regurgitating the same old ideas over and over,
boiling them down to a giant melting pot of mediocrity.
...Douglas Anders as Grell the robot.
"Wormhole X-treme." Coming this fall.
They stole my idea.
(Fred) Whatever happened to that lawsuit you guys had against...
- What was that show called? - (Joe) Wormhole X-treme?
- It was cancelled after only one episode. - Bad ratings.
I liked it. Not as much as your stories, boss.
Actually, I have a new one. Just came to me last night.
SG-1 finds out there's a giant asteroid headed toward Earth.
I saw the movie. It hits Paris.
Nah, this is different. It starts when an amateur astronomer...
Actually, Joe, if it's all right with you, I'm not really in the mood.
Come on, now! Don't you wanna know how SG-1 stops it?
Here, I'll just tell you. Major Carter is able to expand the hyperspace window...
No offence, but how many times can these folks save the world from Apophis?
- What's it up to now? Five, six times? - (Joe) This story's about Anubis.
What's the diff? You know what I'm saying? It's getting repetitive.
I mean, come on. There must be other things we can talk about besides SG-1.
You guys play golf?
(frantic typing)
Joe, I need to talk to you.
- Just a second. I'm in the zone. - Stop typing.
- I'm writing. - Please.
- What's up? - I want you to stop.
I just did.
- I mean permanently. - What?!
- I've been going over our bills. - Sharlene...
Joe, you closed the shop early three times this week to come home and write.
I closed the shop because business has been slow.
- And you don't see the connection? - Once I get a few stories published,
land an agent, things'll get better.
326. That's how many rejection letters you've received.
You only need one yes.
They're not reading them any more, just sending them back unopened!
- Bert and Gordie like them. - They work for you. What can they say?
You haven't even read them all.
I read "Holiday", "The Light", "The Sentinel".
OK, I admit those may have been a few small missteps.
- But on the whole they're getting better. - I don't know.
Well, what do you think the problem is? Maybe I can fix it.
Well, for one, it seems to me like the team interaction isn't the way it used to be.
- You hate them all? - No, I don't.
I hate what this is doing to you.
- You really want me to stop? - Joe...
How can this really be more important than your livelihood, than your family?
Honestly, Sharlene, I don't think I can stop.
Why not?
These stories... I think...
- Think? You think what? - I think they're real, Sharlene.
I'm not making them up. They're happening. Somewhere.
- I see them, and it's because of the stone. - Oh, Joe.
I can't explain it. Somehow I think it allows me to see these incredible things.
- That you believe are really happening? - Yes. Here, try it.
Where is it?
Joe...
Did you take it?
Sharlene? What'd you do with it?
Sharlene! What have you done with my stone?!
(Sharlene) It was for your own good!
Whoa.
Has he totally lost it, or what?
Joe, please. You need help.
Son... if you know where it is, just tell me.
- I'm not mad. I just need my stone. - Mom?
You leave him out of this.
Joe, please! You're scaring us.
Yes!
- Where are you going? - I don't know.
No!
He can't be gone.
He's dead.
(sobs)
Daniel's dead!
He can't be gone.
Gordie, you're wearing out the floor.
- Calvin. - Gentlemen.
- Slow day? - What have you got, Calvin?
Looks like a stack of bills and a couple more letters from those magazines.
Toss 'em.
There's, uh... also another letter here from the air force.
You read it.
"Dear Mr Spencer. Regarding your request to meet with Colonel Jack O'Neill,
"we regret to inform you that..."
Hey. Joe.
If you're so sure this is all real, why don't you follow it up with more than letters?
Call them up, tell them what you know. If it really is true...
Are you kidding? I'd disappear in a heartbeat.
- You think? - Believe me,
if the government didn't get me, NID is sure to.
I've seen it happen.
Do you remember Armin Selig? Dead.
Right.
Well...
Look, I... gotta get back to my route now.
- You guys take care. - Thanks, Calvin.
Hi, Jack.
Daniel.
I leave, and look at the mess you get yourself into.
Yes! (laughs)
Sharlene! You won't...
Sharlene! Sharlene, you won't believe it.
Sharlene? Oh, there you are.
Honey, it's incredible - Daniel's still alive.
I know he ascended to a higher plane of existence, but he...
- What are you doing? - Andy and I are going to my mother's.
If you have even the slightest interest in saving our marriage,
- you'll see someone who can help you. - Sharlene, I don't need a shrink. Sharlene!
Honey, don't do this. Please!
Come on! Honey, come on, we can work things out.
Sharlene, look, our problems are small compared...
Wait, just... Let's talk. Can we just talk this out?
Goodbye, Joe. I'll call you later.
Sharlene!
Wait! Sharlene!
(Joe) "Dear Colonel O'Neill, I understand you are a very busy man.
"However, I wonder if you are getting all the correspondence I send you.
"I have written you many letters and left messages for you with the air force,
"but I have yet to receive any kind of response from you.
"Because of this, I have no choice
"but to take my life into my own hands and come clean with you.
"I know everything."
- Gordie! You scared the hell out of me. - I'm sorry.
It's OK, Gordie. I'm just... glad it's you.
If it's OK with you, me and Bert are gonna head home.
- It looks like nobody's coming in again. - Yeah.
Look, I know this is kind of a bad time, but...
- What is it, Gordie? - Well, it's been really slow around here,
and I kind of dropped off an application at the Piggly Wiggly.
I understand. You gotta do what you gotta do.
- Thanks, boss. Good night. - (thud)
G'night.
(Carter) Activating hyperdrive.
Standing straight up.
(man) Come on, boys.
(gunshot)
Sir!
Thanks for seeing me. You look great.
- How are you? - Oh, I'm good.
Very good.
Sharlene, I'm... I'm sorry about everything that's happened.
I drove you and Andy away. I understand that now.
- Joe... - Just let me finish.
I was too wrapped up in the stories to realise what was important.
I promise I will focus on rebuilding my business, on providing for my family,
if you'll give me another chance.
It was never about the money, Joe. It was your obsession with that stone.
I know, I know. And I owe you both an explanation.
That's why I brought you proof that my visions are real.
This is what Jack O'Neill actually looks like.
I know what you're thinking, but I saw this image in my mind
- long before it was in the paper. - Joe...
And here. This report about massive solar-flare activity from six years ago
coincides with the time SG-1 destroyed Apophis's fleet.
And this, about the sinking of a Russian submarine.
It happened the same time Anubis's ship crashed into the Pacific Ocean.
You're using real people and events and incorporating them in your fantasies.
They're not fantasies! O'Neill is head of Stargate Command.
There is no Stargate Command!
Listen to me. I've been talking to several doctors about your symptoms.
They think that you might be suffering from something called manic psychosis,
combined with grandiose delusions.
But, with therapy and medication, you could probably live a normal life.
Oh, my God!
They're fighting in Antarctica, for Earth's very survival.
Anubis's fleet is in orbit above us right now.
Joe, stop it. It's not real.
You don't understand. If Jack can't find a way to use the Ancients' technology,
- we're all dead! - Goodbye, Joe.
It's happening, Sharlene!
You'll see! It's real!
OK, look. This obviously isn't your forte.
So why don't you just put the gun down before you get hurt?
Don't come any closer!
I know your gun isn't real.
However... mine is.
Oh, God! I'm sorry. You're right. It's just a toy.
- Please don't shoot me. - I'm not gonna shoot ya.
I'm sorry. I just thought it was the only way to make you listen to me.
Oh, where you're going... people will listen.
They got nothing to do but listen to you.
They got nice white coats, padded walls...
Please, wait! You're Brigadier General Jack O'Neill.
Head of Stargate Command at Cheyenne Mountain.
You used to command SG-1,
which is now led by Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter.
You once visited a planet called Argos,
and the nanites in your blood caused you to age artificially.
You had the entire repository of the Ancients' knowledge
downloaded into your brain, twice.
You have a thing for The Simpsons, fishing, Mary Steenburgen,
the colour peridot, and you're a terrible ping-pong player.
- Have we met? - My name is Joe Spencer. I'm a barber.
It's all true, isn't it? Everything I've seen.
The Stargate, the Goa'uld, the Asgards. It's all real.
Tell me it's real. I need to know.
First of all, Joe...
I'm not a terrible ping-pong player.
Between you and me, I totally see the analogy.
- Burns as Goa'uld. - Thank you.
And don't worry. I won't say a word about your feelings for...
It's an honour. I don't know how to thank you for all you've done for our planet.
- There are not enough words. - It's nice to meet you, too.
- Joe Spencer. - I was particularly impressed
with the time you blew up that sun.
Well, thank you. I had a bit of help.
- And as far as the whole Pete Shanahan... - Joe.
Dr Jackson, can I just say, thank goodness you're back.
Jonas wasn't a bad guy. But after all you went through together, you belong here.
Thank you. Jack?
He's a barber.
- Broke into your house? - Yeah.
- Second week in a row. - Mm-hm.
- Alarm. - I'm thinking dog.
You could try locking your front door.
Shel kek nem Ron.
Joe, the barber.
Please be seated.
What have you got there, Carter?
Initial tests show Joe has the same Ancient gene as you.
If you ever need me to use the chair device in Antarctica, in defence of Earth,
- I'm there. - Thank you.
Other than that, his physiology is completely normal.
Do not a great many people possess this Ancient gene?
Yeah. How come I'm the only one seeing these things?
Yes. Good question. Pray tell.
Unfortunately, our knowledge of Ancient physiology is limited.
We also know that Joe has somehow managed to gain access
to huge amounts of classified information, mainly in regard to SG-1,
and that these visions are somehow connected to the stone he found.
- Anything on that? - Daniel said it seemed familiar.
You claim to receive these visions only within the proximity of the stone.
Perhaps there's a connection between it and your genetic predispositions.
I know the hair makes you look different, but didn't you used to be gold-coloured?
I think I got it.
Took me a while to track it down, but...
- You have one, too? - They're a set.
Jack, remember P3R-233?
You found a quantum mirror that sent you to an alternate reality
where the Goa'uld invaded Earth.
- Hey, fella. - Hey, Jack.
- This all the stuff we brought back from... - P3R-233. Want to help me catalogue it?
You bet! My favourite.
But it's all gonna have to wait. Hammond called a briefing.
We got some intel back...
indicating that Apophis might not be so dead as we thought.
Something about...
Chulak.
The stones are an Ancient communication device,
allowing you to see events through a psychic connection.
Jack activated the link between the stones by picking up the second one.
Then all that's required is a proximity to the stone for the connection to activate.
As the stone was stored in the base archives...
But that doesn't explain how the other stone got to the...
- Where was it? - A garage sale.
The person who sold it to me said his grandfather found it on a dig in Egypt.
(Carter) What about the proximity issue?
If the stone General O'Neill touched was kept here,
how could Joe see what happened to him offworld?
He was getting most of it from when Jack was writing reports here on the base.
The stone was stored a few levels above.
That's why the stories were so easy to write!
It was like someone else had done most of the work for me.
And... you say they all got rejected?
Wait a second. If the stones work the way Daniel says,
shouldn't General O'Neill have been able to see elements of Joe's life?
Theoretically, yes, he would.
- Bowling league, Thursday nights? - You saw that?
- You got game, son. - (Daniel) Wait a minute, Jack.
You've seen parts of the life of a barber in Indiana for seven years,
and you never mentioned it?
Yeah. Sure I did. I know I did.
No. No, you didn't, sir.
I didn't?
You didn't find that the least bit odd?
Actually, no. I found it quite... relaxing.
Sharlene.
I only have about ten minutes, and then I need to get right back to work.
There's no easy way to say this: I want a divorce.
I know. I mean, you have every right to.
But before we get to that, there's someone who'd like to meet you.
Here he comes now.
Sharlene, meet General Jack O'Neill of the United States Air Force.
It's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am.
I think we have some things to talk about.
Visiontext Subtitles: Stephanie Donohue
ENHOH