Brenda did our hair, and l'm talking about this hair, not that other kind.
We have a security breach.
l should be irked.
We'll answer, once and for all, whether O'Neill wears boxers or briefs
or... commando.
Sh!
This is the security breach?
This young man claims he's Colonel O'Neill.
Daniel!
Sounds like him - at least the loud, grating parts.
The episode ''Fragile Balance'' is a story in which we suddenly find ourselves
with a young version of O'Neill.
lmpersonating a military officer is a federal offence.
l am not impersonating anyone.
l am Jack O'Neill.
The experience and maturity of our Jack O'Neill character is stuck in a boy's body.
This is Michael Welch, playing young O'Neill. He's doing a wonderful job.
Thank you.
The real challenge was having this young actor trying to mimic -
not mock, but mimic -
some of the idiosyncrasies that Richard Dean Anderson has brought to the show,
and some of his gestures and some of the things that he likes to do.
Where he goes like this.
And he checks the sun.
Every scene. ''l'm putting sunglasses on.''
Ultimately, we found out that he is in fact a not fully matured clone of himself.
We're hoping the fact that the clone didn't mature is a mistake.
- Which means? - ln all likelihood, the Asgard responsible
took the original people and replaced them with duplicates.
They study the originals, then switch them back.
You think whoever took the real Colonel O'Neill is going to return him?
This is an alien scanning medical device.
Can't tell you what it does, actually, but there's probing involved.
These green balls are moving around you.
But you're not smiling because you're not happy. You're the opposite.
(Peter) And we find out that not all Asgard are noble,
and that one in particular, whose name is Loki,
he's been abducting people on our planet for a long time.
You'll be here, and you'll turn it on, which'll cause this one to go on as well,
and he'll go ''l'm having a flashback.''
(Peter) That's why they've abducted O'Neill.
His ability to retain the information from the Ancients' repository
led the Asgard to understand
that there was something very special about O'Neill's physiology.
That's why they've abducted him and done these experiments.
Either l'm remembering a particularly bad dream,
or the Asgard paid me a little visit last night.
(Peter) And when they test him, they find out, in fact,
that he's just a super-confident heterosexual
and that's why he does so good with the ladies,
and it has nothing to do with retaining information at all.
Little do they know how close they are to the truth.
Hi. How you doin'?
(Peter) We trick Loki. We pull a little sting operation on him
and we're able to catch him in the act.
So we stun him.
Hello. Do not be afraid.
(imitates zat gun)
Put your hands down.
(groans)
lt's a lot of fun to work with the puppet.
There's eight guys back there working wires and hinges.
The head goes like this and like this and turns and blinks.
And they actually rehearse, otherwise the puppet goes like this. l don't know why.
ls it true that Colonel O'Neill may be...
..the key to solving your cloning problems?
No.
- But l thought l was advanced. - lndeed you are, O'Neill.
But our scientists have already determined
that while you are an important step forward in the evolutionary chain,
the missing link we have been searching for still eludes us.
They're naked, they don't do touching very much,
they've very veiny, and they're in bad need of a tan.
And, in fact, when they turn around and walk away from you,
you can tell that they have no exit of any kind.
He is in this ship.
Either this is the bridge or this is the bridge, and the other one is the toilet,
where they remove the food particles from the Asgard body,
which we've already established does not have an exit.
And, of course, they have to treat the sewage before they let it out into space.
lt's not cool to just go out and flush your Asgard poop.
- But l haven't been gassy. - Not that l've noticed.
That's good to know. And you would know, because you're situated low.
l'm well aware.
So the air biscuits and the heinie hiccups are flying always.
- Why don't you tell us who you are? - Loki.
l ended up revoicing all the Loki stuff.
So that's actually my voice, and they turn a knob on some machine
(as Loki) and l end up sounding like this.
There was no need for the clones to survive.
Suddenly it's like you've taken a giant Valium.
That's the knob. lt's called the Valium knob.
Your voice starts like this: lt was not necessary for the clones to survive.
(slower) lt was not necessary for the clones to survive.
Look at Amanda.
She flosses every day.
And not just her teeth.
What's your point?
l'd like to see more episodes with the young O'Neill clone.
l'm a cop. Licence and registration, please.
- lf you need anything, just... - Air force has set me up. l'll be fine.
You sure about this? l mean, it's high school.
Look at the ass on that little kid. OK.
Yes. Go forth, young man.
Blink, blink. Blink, blink. Blink, blink.
Blink.
l chose to sell myself to Hollywood.
Uh-oh.
l've had corrective s... Only two nose jobs. Only two.
Peter sent me flowers once, after he said a naughty word.
They're not dirty pillows. They're breasts, Mama.
- He's a little what? - Psychotic.
Die, die, die. Kill, kill, kill. Vomit, vomit, vomit.
l can't stand DeLuise.
ENHOH